Sunday, October 03, 2004
suddenly feel v lousy again. haiz.. it's just v depressing n discouraging to still be getting dis kinda
shit results for prelims. just gives the idea dat i'm not going to make it for the
BIG 'A's.. n the feeling's reallyreally terrible :(
so far, i'm disappointed with
all the results dat i'v gotten back. sumtimes i really dun understand how come we study so hard but yet the results reflect none of the effort put in. getting back human geog n GP essay tmr i think.. just hoping they dun disappoint me too, though i think my human geog's going to suck too. luking 4ward to getting GP essay back though.. i tot i did q okay.. -crosses fingers-
was thinking abt other stuffs too n it really struck me dat i'm actually q a
loner. hahaz.. not dat i din noe dat b4 lah, but sumtimes i 4get abt it until it hits me in the face again. i just
dun feel a connection with the pple arnd me. okay, mayb not all, but
MOST. when i'm with my frens, sumtimes i just shut my mouth n appear lyk i'm not interested. most of the time, i frankly dun care n i dunno y. it's just me. if i got nth to say, i wun try to make conversation unless i wan to, which is q seldom.
i think i'm the independent sort cos i really dun feel dat i nid any1 in my life. as in, if u take away random person in my life, i probably wun notice until after awhile. n when i notice the absence, i dun think i'd really b v bothered by it. take B for eg, we used to b quite close, but after all dat's happened, we'v totally ceased contact n seriously, i dun care. i nv really believed it the "friends forever" thingy anyway.
wanna say some things to some pple. u shd noe who u r if i'm talking abt u.
Person #1:
all dis while has been q hard on u. i noe. it's not dat i dun care, but i just feel dat i shdnt care too much in case my intentions r misunderstood. sumtimes things do not go the way u wan it to n it's really not up to ur control. i cant control certain things too, which may b the reason y things r ending up dis way. i dun really noe wad u were saying to me the last time we talked cos u'r always mumbling (or so i feel). i really cldnt make out ur words n u din wan to repeat urself so i wun b bothered too. i tot the email i sent u the other day was clear enuf, but apparently, it's not. just wan to tell u dat i meant wad i said in the email. there's not much point being hopeful anymore i guess.. sorry.
Person #2:
i dunno wad's ur prob cos i dun c y u had to go n tell ur stupid frens abt ridiculous things abt me. pls lah. dun b so thickskinned. i alr din lyk u v much in psch so wad the hell made u think i lyk u in sec sch? n to think u told God-noes-who dat she n i were
FIGHTING OVER U. GET A LIFE man. the fact dat u live in next block from me pisses me off enuf. sumtimes i really wanna go over to ur hse n poke ur eyes out cos u obviously havent been able to luk in the mirror.
Person #3:
sumtimes i feel dat i dun really noe who u r inside, but other times, i think i noe cos i c some similarities between us. i still dunno wad happened cos u nv bothered to give me an explanation n dat's wad hurts the most. it's lyk we suddenly turned strangers over nite but i really have no idea y n i cant think of a reason dat i find acceptable. the things u do always seem to have a motive behind them n i wld say with significant confidence dat i noe wad r ur motives. i'm not exactly v stupid, though u may argue otherwise. true, i admit i'm stupid in some ways n i think 1 of the biggest mistakes i made in my life has to do with u. but then again, i dun think i regret it cos in some ways, it was worth it
Person #4:
i dun really think u lyk me as much as u seem to, n i just wan to let u noe dat i'm sorry if u feel dat i'm too cold towards u. i dun c the nid to b overly nice. i admit dat u'v never done anything much to make me dislyk u, but neither have u done anything to make me think u'r a v nice person either. the other day when i saw u, i dunno if u were genuinely happy to c me or not but i cldnt bring myself to act as if i was v happy to c u cos i wasnt. the only thing dat when thru my mind was "o okay, dat's XXX". no special feeling wadsoeva. hope u dun get too bothered by the way i treat u cos i'm alr trying to minimise contact with u so dat my attitude towards u isnt so obvious.
Persons #5:
i dunno y but i feel kinda disconnected from u cos i'm not really into wad u'r into. i'm just kinda different from the u though there'r times when we had fun together too. it's not dat i dun lyk u, but i really dun have much to talk to u abt so most of the time i'll try to mind my own business. i think the feeling's mutual so just wan u to noe dat it's okay if we dun get along dat well. i dun c it as a big prob cos we'r q okay now n i think we can maintain dis kinda relationship for as long as nid b.
Person #6:
u always come n talk to me abt the same old things over n over again! haha.. i noe it's not a nice feeling to not b doing well, but my dear, i feel the same way, n so do all those who havent been doing as well as they wan to. there's not much pt worrying n feeling sad i guess.. just hafta turn all the negative tots u haf into sth positive, sth dat'll spur u on to study harder. really wan to thank u for all the support n encouragement u gave me when i was not feeling too gd abt things. u'r easily the most sincere person i noe n i wan u to tell u dat sincerity is sth dat's so rare to find in pple nowadays, so i reallyreally appreciate u for just being u. thanks again!
Person #7:
i saved the best for the last :) when we were in sec 1, i seriously never tot dat we'll end up being such close frens cos we'r really q different. i noe i'm not easy to get close to, but i'm vvvvv glad dat u made the effort to try to noe me better cos our frenship is so precious to me. even though sumtimes i may seem lyk i dun care or wad, i wan u to noe dat no1 comes close to how much u mean to me. u'r the only reason y i'm glad i went to ny n i wldnt trade knowing u for anything.
(u noe, i can go on n on n on typing, but typing dis few sentences is alr making me cry. u shd noe i'm not the v emotional type.. dat's how much i treasure our frenship :D) i dunno if there's really such a thing as "friends forever", n as much as i dun believe in it, i really hope our frenship will last til the end of time.
deary, u'r the best.
random thoughts at 6:38:00 AM
